Drowned

I often get trapped in a song when I'm processing heavy emotion. I'll listen to it over and over and over for days, weeks, months. So many songs are landmines for me right now. Hailey Bek and I shared music and we had a few songs that we would karaoke together when the mood struck them. I haven't really sung since we lost them. Singing hurts. The air hurts. It's getting better, day by day.

I've been listening to a lot of EDM. Less emotional landmines, mostly upbeat.

'Drowned' landed in my suggested playlist about a week ago. I was immediately trapped. I finally looked up the lyrics and it was exactly how I've felt with the level of panic I constantly feel. Drowning in panic.

I've been doing a lot of reading about grief and the feelings i'm dealing with are common. The adjustment of what life looks like now. Losing the adult relationship with my daughter. Losing the experience of watching them make the world a better place. It just feels so unreal.

Bek struggled with depression from the time they were about 11 until the day they left this world. They often described it as feeling like they were drowning.

In 9th grade they had a school project where they had to turn a book into a piece of art. I had a difficult time with the thought of destroying a book so after much discussion, they discovered book origami. Used math and their incredible artistic talents to create the piece pictured below. It says "DROWN".

Hailey Bek ran away when they were 16. Reconnected right before their 17th birthday. I moved. Then 6 months before their 18th birthday, they moved in with me for a few months.

I am so very, very grateful for those few months. We got to know each other as people. I still mommed them. They still Bek'd me. And I am grateful for every second of that time.

When they moved back out on their own, they left the piece of art. It stares down at me in my living room.

I've never really battled depression before. Anxiety my whole life. But not depression. I've never had suicidal ideation. I've never not wanted to plan some great adventure that's coming next.

This summer though. I've had depression. I don't know how those that battle this type of brain weasel functions. I am grateful for the tools i have. The community i have. The will I have.  

It feels like the depression is manageable now. it's still an absolute beotch, but manageable.

But the panic. I absolutely feel like I am drowning in it.

And for the first time ever, I feel very close to my youngest. I feel them so much in the drowning.  

I find gratitude in the understanding.

And this piece of art; this piece of her spirit that was left with me is my current most treasured possession.

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=Ux7OOEtpGIU&feature=share

*****

Drowned Lyrics

[Intro]

Oh I am, empty - hollow from the inside, don’t you ask me

[Pre-Chorus]

Cause you will see, don’t get close to me

Closed doors, threw the key

I don’t know how to feel, Devil’s made a deal

[Chorus]

All I want to do is peacefully go back sleep

But I need to stay awake, there's demons after me

I have tried to call for help, but they don’t hear a sound

Left alone with all the darkness, it feels like I’ve drowned

[Post/Pre-Chorus]

Cause you will see, don’t get close to me (to me no..)

Closed Doors, threw the key (oh yeah..)

I don’t know how to feel (feel..)

Devil’s made a deal

[Chorus]

All I want to do is peacefully go back sleep

But I need to stay awake, there's demons after me

I have tried to call for help, but they don’t hear a sound (oh no..)

Left alone with all the darkness, it feels like I’ve drowned

[Bridge]

I’ve drowned

I’ve drowned

I’ve drowned

[Outro]

Oh I need you, what have you planned

Just move slowly, just take my hand

It’s all so hard, I’m stuck somewhere

It don’t make sense, will you be there for me? (oh yeah..)

For me? (oh..)

First Sunday Tea with Hailey

 Hey kiddo.

It's been over 2 weeks since you left us.  I said that I was going to start today sitting down with a cup of tea and sharing with you.  About you.  For you. For me.

Starting is important.  It's an achievement just to get something up.  Eventually, I'll get the blog space formatted and it will be pretty.  Today, it's just up.  A place for me to write.  To process.  Share pics and videos.  Everyone who is grieving you is welcome to have a cup of tea and share in the comments their week in grief.  Stories.  Happy or sad.  All the feelings.  They are there for all of us.  This is a space for us.

But I don't want to.  Sitting here with this stupid cup of tea not wanting to deal with the grief.  

It's been overwhelming.  all consuming.  Everything hurts. My body feels like it's been beaten and every piece of it is bruised.

shock.  disbelief.  every morning I wake up in tears with the immediate thought of this has to be a mistake.  I've driven very little.  My brain just doesn't work right now.  I made a list of daily things to do.  I actually have to look at it to see if i've brushed my teeth that day.  watered the dog.  left the house.

I took Rae out to coffee for their bday.  It was a good conversation. I'm worried about them.  So much grief and trauma over the years.  Now you're gone.  Just a big hole.

The crematorium brought me your jewelry and your locks of hair.  I wasn't prepared for that.  The director was so adorable though.  She looks like a grown up Wednesday with the voice of Sadness from Inside Out.  She's adorable and I want to be her friend.  (I thought you would get a kick out of that).  She does her job very well and it feels like I made the right choice in that area.  So few places to grab some comfort in all of this, but that was a sliver.

Chris came over on your bday and we made a spirit plate from dinner and set it out under the big tree.  Then watched Inside Out together.  At the end where Joy fell into the big hole of forgotten thoughts and broke down and cried.  I felt her.  I go through most of life with a sense of joy and gratitude.  But even Joy breaks down.  I am not ok.  I know that I will be ok again someday.  But it's going to be a long time.  I am not ok today.  not tomorrow.  not the day after tomorrow.  I don't even have hope in someday.  but I know that there will be a someday.

I love you.  I miss you.  I'm in awe of you.  I'm proud of you.

I wish you were here.

Grief sucks.  Baby steps.

Test drive

 Test Driving the blog